Can I be honest about something? Healing from something that has brought us pain can feel like mental gymnastics. Before we can even process what has happened, we start to think of the long term impact this may have on our life, and in other moments, we freeze.
There are even times that we look at our pain straight in the eye and are filled with guilt and shame.
But there becomes a moment when we are ready to step away from a situation being so painful. We watch a movie or read a book when we notice the way we react is not how we want to continue to reacting towards. So, we ask the question: How do we even handle this? What do we do? Who can we even tell?
Healing is not the first thing we think about, and that’s ok! We have to remember the grieving process before we fully dive into healing. I think something that is wild is that we often try to rush the healing too quickly.
It’s wild to me that we often think that we have to heal quickly. I have had to ask myself some hard questions like,
- Did I get hurt in one day or one night? Most likely not.
- Was time needed to heal a layer and then another layer will be healed later?
- Is there a reason this is bumping me emotionally today?
Truth is, sometimes situations come up that bump us again.
This does not mean that we are still broken, it means there is another layer of healing that is happening. Maybe this time around it’ll take us a day to work through, and other times it will take longer.
Maybe we are getting married or having a child, and we realize that we cannot call our parents.
Maybe we lost a job or a friendship after years of pouring into it, and our self-esteem took a hit again.
Maybe we are struggling financially and feel like things are out of control.
Or maybe, we feel like we have to start over in community and our messy past will be misunderstood again by someone new. Or maybe we just want a fresh start and want to push the past under the rug.
But let’s talk about a few of these. What happens when we feel like our past is just too messy to enter into the conversation of healing? Why do we not deserve to find safety and security in the places we are today? Let’s dig into the messy past first.
My Past is Too Messy
I used to whisper to myself that my past was too messy for healing. I grew up in an abusive home and entered into foster care in high school.
When I turned 18 years old, I was immediately on my own.
From 18 to 24 years old, I moved over 33 different times.
When I was 24 years old, I took in 5 of my siblings and had to work through ALL the issues that were in my family.
I remember sitting in front of the mirror and thinking, “what just happened??”
I would tell myself that people would not want me around because my past was too messy. Where did I get this idea? Sadly, it was reiterated by people that I was the “rough around the edges” girl. The girl who people would find out my past and say, “I knew something was wrong with her…” and even worse, that I should not be trusted.
When I met people who went through things like me, I did not see them being able to stand on their two feet. They usually made the past their excuse for not moving forward.
Healing when your past is messy is hard, healing in a room with people not wanting to expose their past is harder.
So, I started to share so others were not alone.
Our past is not too messy to heal or redeem. It just takes time.
Is Healing Even Possible?
And if I’m being honest, there were so many more moments that I just did not see healing being a possibility. It felt like the problem in front of me was simply too big.
I was not always an author and speaker sharing about healing. Before I shared my story publicly, I was living in the darkest moments of my pain and feeling like I was drowning.
I’d hear people talk through how they found hope and healing, but I would roll my eyes because I felt like people were all talk and never lived through it.
I mean, some of the speakers out there will tell you about their most tragic moments, and to them they were very traumatic, but I sat in the seat wondering how I could open up about my brokenness and be seen.
There were many times that I had opened up to people, and was shut down for speaking up because, as one person put it, “That’s too heavy for this conversation…” I learned to stay silent in rooms that asked for transparency, out of fear of being misunderstood or worse, told to keep quiet, again.
As I started sharing my story in 2021, a friend told me that my story had redemption written all over it and that I had a purpose in sharing. Can I be blunt though? I still felt broken.
I realized how far I had come but also that I was putting on a smile and was not really healed. I wasn’t faking being ok, I just wasn’t as ok as I wanted to be. But something I have learned in the last three years is that healing is not a one-and-done situation.
Healing is DIFFERENT for Us All
We did not get broken in a single night. We cannot heal in a single night.
We need time to work through healing.
What we need healing from will be different for each person.
It has a different time span for us all.
There are times that sharing our story will not happen from stages and arenas, or even in books or blogs.
Sharing our story will happen over dinner with someone we care about. They will express something that happened, and we are able to relate.
And other times, we are emotionally bumped by what they said.
Why do we share our story though? It connects us. It helps us find hope and be the light to someone else.
Sharing our story reminds us that we are not alone in the suffering, and it helps us connect deeper with people who have experienced what we have.
Taking Steps Towards Healing What Broke You
One thing that I wish I knew early on was that it was not required for me to share the details of my story. I could tell what I wanted, when I wanted. I did not need to give more than I was willing to give.
- Give yourself time.
- Healing is not straightforward and quick. As much as I wanted it to be, I have learned in the power of time and that healing did not happen in a day.
- Let the empty spaces be empty.
- Do not try to fill the spaces or the void. Let the grief settle in but don’t let it stay there.
- We often try to fill the void of people in our life or fill our schedules up so we do not have to feel pain, but both of these need time and space to
- Share only what you want to share and when you want to share it.
- Do not let people pressure you!
- Do not share details unless you are comfortable.
- Be cautious who you share things with. There are people who try to use people based on the information they hear of them.
- Find community who is willing to be honest and open.
- We all have different pasts and we need people who will be open. We do not want to find people who want to dismiss or use us for what we went through. Nobody likes a one-up friend when it comes to pain.
- You are allowed to say things are not ok.
- You are allowed to sit in the hard and know that it is hard.
- Let yourself grow.
Your friend,
Danisha
Connecting with Dr. Danisha Keating
Dr. Danisha Keating is a former foster youth and raised 5 of her siblings when she was 24. As a research psychologist, author, and speaker, she understands the importance of healing from our pain and recognizing our strength.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drdanishakeating/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@thedrdanishakeatingshow
YouTube Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@thedrdanishakeatingshow/podcasts
Spotify Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/0qPwiV6WBsGxfULSYnDxq2
Danisha’s books: https://amzn.to/4hsmBkw
